Are We All Losers? Understanding Grief
The well-known pioneer researcher Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five states through which the dying patient goes. It is also true that the recently bereaved and the about to be bereaved evidence the same stages. Kubler Ross has labeled the 5 stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. People do not necessarily go through these stages in any set order or over a set length of time, nor does the individual necessarily pass through each of the stages. Most controversial is the final stage of acceptance. Kubler-Ross believes that all of us come to accept death as it approached, but other researchers do not agree. Westberg, for example believe, as do the writer, that we come to a point of living with the loss. Let's now review the 10 stages of grief as defined by Westberg. If you have or can access his tiny book entitled, Good Grief, it would help you to understand each stage in more depth than the writer will go. 10 Stages of Grief According to Granger Westberg (Good Grief): 1) shock ? numbness, denial, disbelief
2) emotional releases ? tears, cursing
3) physical manifestations ? loss of sleep, eating
4) depression, panic ?how do I go on, detachment
5) guilt ? if only
6) anger ? god, self, deceased, blame
7) idealism ? halo effect, past was perfect
8) realization ? past not perfect, maybe a future
9) new patterns ? begin again, let go of past images
10) living with the loss ? live, love. Laugh again, adjusting Another valuable resource is Catherine Sanders book, The Mourning After. Taking an integrative approach, she identifies 5 primary phases of the grief process: 5 Phases of the Grief Process According to Catherine Sanders (The Mourning After) 1) shock ? disbelief and denial, confusion, restlessness, state of alarm 2) awareness of loss ? separation anxiety, conflicts, prolonged stress, acting out emotional expectations 3) conservation/withdrawal ? despair, withdrawal, diminished social support, helplessness 4) healing ? turning point, assuming control, identity restructuring, relinquishing roles 5) renewal ? new self-awareness, new sense of freedom, accepting responsibility, learning to live without In summary, it should be understood that the numbness and sense of unreality when first hearing about the death of a loved one is both a gift and an adaptive response which prepares one to deal with the loss. Statements expressing this surreal phase includes: "I don't believe it," or "It can't be." It is common to lose a loved one and feel angry about the death and consequences. Since anger needs a target, it is frequently directed at the self, doctor, nurse, funeral director, clergy person, family member, friend or God. Since anger is a choice, it is important for the bereaved to recognize and acknowledge the fact that they are angry. It is said that actress Elizabeth Taylor, speaking about the death of her husband, Michael Todd, and her subsequent depression, stated: "I didn't think I would survive and I didn't much care. To this day my feelings about him are so strong that I cannot speak about him without being overcome with emotion." For the majority of people in grief, feelings of emptiness and sadness generate feelings of depression. "My husband died after a long illness. Several times I lost my temper and said some cruel things to him, but when I realized he couldn't get well, I took loving care of him until God called him home. Now I regret all the wrong things I did." Like many who have experienced a loss, this woman is tortured by regrets. While feelings of guilt are quite normal, they are usually not very realistic. Sometimes anxiety and frustration are connected to the fear of being alone and without a loved one. There may be concern about the future and fear about losing someone else to death. There is no timetable for grief. No one need feel ashamed while getting over a traumatic loss. It is a long complex business. it is the process of grief. The day will come when grief softens and even dissipates. Usually the recovery is so gradual that the bereaved is not even aware that healing is, in fact, taking place. Rev. Saundra L. Washington, is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries http://www.clergyservices4u.org. She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Water: A Grief Healing Workbook, will be available soon.
Related News
Chat Leftovers: Food Processor Bread, Grieving Fare - Washington Post
Eiko & Koma's non-narrative of loss and love - Minneapolis Star Tribune
Eiko & Koma's non-narrative of loss and loveMinneapolis Star Tribune, MN -6 hours agoBut as they paint ravens on a floor drop, they offer a nubile kind of hope in this stage poem to the ravages of grief, confusion and loss. |
Charlotte's loss is our loss, say colleagues - Independent Online
Charlotte's loss is our loss, say colleaguesIndependent Online, South Africa -Oct 9, 2008"Her loss is our loss. We have given her more than flowers, a person throws flowers away within three or four days, but the moral support we give her will ... |
Vet's Views - Latah Eagle
Vet's ViewsLatah Eagle, ID -Oct 9, 2008If you have recently lost a pet, know that you are not alone in your grief. If you know someone who is grieving over the loss of a pet, please realize that ... |
Victory tinged with pain of personal loss - MLB.com
Event: Sixth annual Grief Seminar: "Between Loss and Hope: Tools ... - Goshen College News
Husband's grief over floods tragedy - The Press Association
Husband's grief over floods tragedyThe Press Association -11 minutes agoA British man has spoken of his grief at the loss of his wife and one of his twin daughters who died after being swept away by floods in Spain. ... |
ELECTION Q&A: Floyd County Coroner - Evening News and Tribune
ELECTION Q&A: Floyd County CoronerEvening News and Tribune, IN -11 hours agoOn average two families a day in our community will be touched by the loss of a loved one. As a funeral director and grief counselor I have had the ... |
Danville service aims to help those who have lost a child - Urbana/Champaign News-Gazette
X Factor exclusive: Laura White's tears caused by pain of loss - Mirror.co.uk
|
|
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Scared to Death of Dying and Denying Grief
When I invited Martha to the gathering at my house, she accepted the invitation cheerfully. Martha was new to the area and so I thought this small potluck I was hosting would be a chance for her to get to know other women in our town. Martha stuck it out till the end, softly responding to each person's questions about where she had moved from and the details involving her current job. It was not until the last guest left that night that she was able to utter her fears, "Oh, Alice, maybe I shouldn't have come." Then she fell apart in tears.
Grief
I didn't know a heart could die
before it stopped beating.
I didn't know a life could cease
before it stopped breathing.
Sympathy Messages
The loss of a loved one. It is often difficult to find the right words to express your sympathy to someone during this time of sorrow. A floral tribute and supportive message can offer much support to those grieving such a loss. Here we list some suggestions, perhaps to inspire you as you offer your condolences with your floral tribute.
Then and Now
Over one hundred years ago, during the Victorian era, death and grief were popular subjects for poems, songs and stories. Grieving was considered a natural and acceptable part of the culture. People in mourning wore black clothing and/or black arm bands, women wore black veils, and it was common to see a black wreath on the door of the home of a bereaved family, announcing publicly that this was a home of sorrow. Bereavement was conspicuous and there were very specific societal customs designed to support people during the mourning process.
One Womans Way of Dealing With Grief
All of us at one time or another have felt grief: perhaps over a lost job, lost love, or the most heartbreaking, the death of someone we loved dearly. Each of us goes about the task of grieving in our own distinct way.
Dads, Life, and Death
When he looked at me, it was clear my father wasn't sure who I was. And as I looked back at him, I wasn't sure who he was, either.
Dealing With Tragedies (The 9/11 Tragedy)
September 11, 2001, marked yet another significant turning point in world history. Whatever innocence was left in the world was lost on that fateful day.
How to Cope with Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief is the name given to the mix of emotions experienced when we are living in expectation of loss and grieving because of it. Anticipatory Grief is particularly relevant to those who have received a terminal diagnosis and for those who love and care for them.
The Grief And Belief Connection
"Grief is healing: To take away our grief is to take away our healing. And learning about life after death helps us heal with greater hope, comfort and peace." ~ Bob Olson
Good Grief!
If tears are an indication of how special my relationship with my mother was, I cry with pride! I've come to see grief as pain with a purpose. Interestingly enough, as I cared for my mother in my home the last several weeks of her life, much of what I had learned through spiritual teachings about death had gone out the window. It seemed as though I were losing her forever! At times, I wallowed in sadness and self-pity.
How to Deal with Suffering
Reflect upon the following questions, and answer those you feel might be most important for those
who are most concerned about this topic.
Grief
If you have ever lost someone dear to you it is likely that you can still summon up the grief that you may still be carrying deep inside yourself as a result of the loss. If this grief, which is usually felt as a deep saddness, is something that you would like to clear in yourself then you may find some hope here.
GoodBye GrandMa
My dearest Grandma, I will never forget
you & sorry that I was not there with
you when you passed.
Who has the Worst Pain
During the 28 years I have been interacting with bereaved people, one of the most frequent questions I have been asked is, "Who has the worst pain?" Do bereaved parents suffer more than widows and widowers? Do children whose parents die feel more agony than children who lose a sibling? Is it harder to watch a loved one suffer for a long time before death releases the victim than it is to answer the doorbell or the phone at midnight and suddenly hear the news of tragedy? Is suicide worse than homicide? Is the death of an "older" child more difficult to grieve than the death of a newborn or infant?
Silent Tears - from a Norwegian Hospital
Silent tears hit hospital-white sheets. The young Pakistani mother holds the mask that brings moisture, oxygen and medicine to her babygirls lungs as she struggles against the slime that threatens to suffocate her.
Coping with Grief - Its Called Living Through It
"Dad, I tried to wake Nana, I think she's dead."
"Grandpa died yesterday."
"Oh my God, Daddy's dead."
"Uncle Jack died today."
"Grandma died last night."
"I'm standing with the body of your deceased father-in-law."
"Hon, I think we should get a divorce."
"I'm sorry, but we weren't able to resuscitate your mother."
"Mike called. He thinks Mary is dead."
"I'm sorry to leave this on your voice mail, but Uncle Andy died last night."
Dying On the Inside: A Childs Grief
The impatient tooting of a car horn startled us into awareness. No one had thought beyond making it through the grievous night. Now the sun was up, and it took a moment to realize that this was just like any other school day - for everyone else. Distasteful tasks always fall to the youngest child, so I was pushed, unceremoniously, out the door.
Are We All Losers? Understanding Grief
The well-known pioneer researcher Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five states through which the dying patient goes. It is also true that the recently bereaved and the about to be bereaved evidence the same stages. Kubler Ross has labeled the 5 stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. People do not necessarily go through these stages in any set order or over a set length of time, nor does the individual necessarily pass through each of the stages. Most controversial is the final stage of acceptance. Kubler-Ross believes that all of us come to accept death as it approached, but other researchers do not agree. Westberg, for example believe, as do the writer, that we come to a point of living with the loss. Let's now review the 10 stages of grief as defined by Westberg. If you have or can access his tiny book entitled, Good Grief, it would help you to understand each stage in more depth than the writer will go.
Adapting to the Loss of a Loved One: Three Tips on how to Cope
Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn't working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you've started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.
And You Always Will
I opened the dishtowel drawer for about the sixth time, hoping the towels had somehow magically appeared.
|
